Loving His Uncertainty

Can uncertainty become an impediment in one’s spiritual life? Bhagawan’s oft-repeated axiom, Love My Uncertainty, should come in the practical front in the life of an earnest seeker, seeking Him in his/her pursuit for liberation. Dr (Ms) Radha Hanumai Garuda once had to take such a plunge to dash to Bhagawan’s Presence from the US, leaving her family, leaving the country without a return ticket, post receiving an inner call negating all uncertainties…extracted from her recently published book, Sri Sathya Sai – The Inner Divine. 

I enjoyed the company of the westerners as I said earlier. They didn’t care for Swami’s materializations but only on His teachings. That was my inclination also. I read Swami saying that nobody came to Him for liberation. The whole world only sought tinsel and trash from Him. When

I read that, I decided that I would not be like that. I would seek only liberation from Him.

“I will test you if you are real with your words. I would like to see if you stand by what you said because I shall seek only liberation from you. This is My challenge to you.”

There were some other interesting experiences with Swami that I recollect as well. Rao used to be away on trips and many times I had to drive late in the night downtown to pick him up from the airport. I used to get very scared as I was alone. I could actually hear Swami telling me that He was with me and would accompany me to the airport.

He would be beside me the entire journey and then, on reaching the airport, would say, “Okay! Now you have reached safely. Rao will be coming. I will leave and he can sit in the passenger seat.” Swami was there always guiding and helping me.

When He says that He is above, below, around and within us, it is absolutely true. It was sometime towards the end of October in 1989. When I was sleeping, I was woken up at 3 am. To my great astonishment, I saw it was Swami Himself standing beside my bed! Swami in flesh and blood! My Swami was standing beside me! However, I remember that my eyes were still closed. I was seeing Him in my mind’s eye. May be this is the third eye that spiritual masters and practitioners speak about. Swami looked at me and said, “Now you are ready. Now you can come.”

I opened my eyes and though the words were ringing in my ears, I was not able to see anyone. I was naturally not able to sleep after that. I was overwhelmed. Till now, I had been guided to books and lectures. I had been equipped and strengthened so far and the time had come for me to make preparations to go to Swami in the true sense. I resigned from the hospital and decided to take only a oneway ticket to Him. “I am coming for liberation, Swami. If you say that is what I want you to give.” Rao did not know how to handle this. I assured him that it was Baba’s calling.

“You are crazy! You are leaving all of us here and running away to Baba.” “Will you help me or should I seek help elsewhere?” I asked. Finally, Rao acceded to my wishes and said that he would book a one-way ticket. The travel agent who helped us also shared an interesting story. He was a Sindhi gentleman who did not know much about Baba. But he had once travelled with a staunch Sai devotee on a flight to California. That man shared a lot about Baba and that  convinced the travel agent that once the call has come, Baba would ensure that the person reaches His Feet.

It was the 10th of November and I did not know that this was just the beginning. I was nervous because I had never travelled like this before. I did not know where I would be staying, what I would be doing or how I would manage the several flight changes. I had always travelled with Rao and the children before that. But I had a strong longing for Swami and I could not bear the separation from Him. I wasn’t able to bear the delay any further. I prayed for an indication and a blessing.

Now when I look back, I realise that uncertainty should never stop us from following our heart. I began to spend more time with my Swami than my parents or in-laws despite several physical hardships of an ashram life. There were times when I have slept on the floor on a simple mat with a bathroom possessing nothing more than a bucket and a mug.

II Samastha Lokah Sukhino Bhavantu II